Pansy’s Retirement

Pansy arrived at Mistress’s house, and drew a deep breathe before he got out of the car.   Today was not going to be easy.   Today he had both good news, which he had already messaged to his Mistress, and some bad news.   The bad news not being something he was looking forward to telling her.

He stepped inside the playroom, but before he said anything, he could tell Mistress looked worried about something, and she was.   She told him one of her cats had gone missing.   They went out for a short walk to have a look for the missing cat, unfortunately no luck in finding him.

When they returned, Mistress and Pansy sat down, and discussed some recent work, and it’s quality, and how they would maybe have done things a little better.   Mistress then pointed out that Pansy had not yet kissed her feet as he usually does !

“I am sorry Mistress ! I’ll do it now”

Pansy got down on his hands and knees and kissed Mistress’s feet.

“Better” Mistress smiled

Today was supposed to be a filming day, one where Mistress would take some more video footage for her Twitter site, but for reasons unknown as yet, Pansy had messaged her earlier in the day asking “could we postpone filming today please Mistress ?”   Which she had ok’d.

“Now, why didn’t you want to film today ?” Mistress asked

This was the point at which he knew he had to ask

“Would you be upset if i was to retire Pansy Mistress ?” he asked

Mistress knew about Pansy’s struggle with his cross dressing submissiveness, they had discussed it on a few times previous, when Pansy had been visibly upset with himself over what he was, or at least thought he was.

“Not at all Pansy, you’re still the same you with or with out the pvc.   Why though ?  Do you feel that you’ve outgrown Pansy now and have no need for her any longer ?   Has Pansy just run her course now ?” Mistress asked

“On the contrary Mistress, it’s more that i think Pansy has outgrown me, and if i don’t stop her now, it may be too late to be able to stop her at all and I’m having problems again handling the collateral feelings i get Mistress” he replied

He continued, in a voice that was obvious he was speaking from his heart, “I feel like i am constantly in the middle of a battle between ‘its ok to be you’ and ‘this has to stop’, where ‘its ok to be you’ is steadily losing Mistress.    I feel like i’m in an addiction that i can’t control and handle any more.   I do love being Pansy, but i can’t handle the feelings of guilt, shame and the lies that i feel i’m telling to every one else around me, i can’t handle the years of losing focus on my every day life because of Pansy, and there really is only one way for me to deal with this, and that is to stop it dead”

“If you’re no longer happy doing this Pansy, then you are right to tell me, and you should stop.   Don’t worry about the contract, that is easily solved, that can be torn up, i sincerely do not want you here as Pansy if it’s making you that unhappy” Mistress replied

“Mistress, it’s not the dressing and being Pansy that’s specifically making me unhappy, it’s the feelings that go around it after the fact, i just can’t handle those any more, and i need to fix it whilst i still can”

Mistress Sofia understood, she told Pansy how most sissies are completely easy with the way they are and what they do, but she had met a few before that had similar feelings of guilt/shame as he was having, but that it was obvious those feelings were running very high in him.    Mistress knew that Pansy was just as submissive either cross dressed or not, and she knew this right from when she had first interviewed him for the PA role.

Pansy felt very relieved to have got this out and said, and that his Mistress was just as understanding as he almost knew she would be.   He still felt awful about having to break this to his Mistress though.   When he came to Mistress’s interview for the PA role, he came dressed in full female pvc, and since he had become Mistress’s PA, he had always dressed in full female pvc for her, and to start with he thought he had his collateral feelings under control.   He had never meant it to turn out like this, there was no intent to mislead, but he felt awful in letting her down all the same.   More than anything, prior to this conversation, he was much more so concerned that he might lose some one who was not only his Mistress, but very much one of the best friends he had ever had.

His Mistress joked “so what do i call you now ?  from day one i’ve always called you Pansy, and getting used to calling you anything else now is going to be hard !”

“*You* can call me what ever you like of course Mistress, if you want to continue calling me Pansy that’s fine or Alan is fine to Mistress” he replied

“Ok Pansy” Mistress smiled, “shall we get on with some book work ?”

“Yes Mistress”

Alan opened his laptop, and they continued to work on Mistress’s forthcoming book.

Not long afterwards, Jules the cat arrived home, with a bit of a limp, but safe and sound !

Written By Alan, the former home of Pansy.