I guess I’m like most people , I hate and detest liers , but in this job you have to be prepared to please the caller and if that means being a little liberal with the truth then so be it, I like to call it poetic licence and doesn’t do anyone any harm except you have to have a good memory and your wits about you to get away with it , as I found out to my cost.
“Hello. Who am I speaking to?”
” hello, I’m John ”
“Hello John , what can I do for you ?”
“Can you tell me a bit about yourself , I’d like to get to know you before we become intimate”
“Of course John , I’m Sofia” hmm what shall I look like today, ” l have long blonde hair , very curvy and I’m 45 ”
“You sound lovely Sofia , I’m tall blonde blue eyes and I’m 43. Do you have children Sofia ?”
“Yes John I have 3 ”
” how old are they Sofia?”
” one is 39, one is 27 and one is 23 ”
” 39 Sofia ? But your 45″ omg quick, think !
“Erm , yes John, he’s my step son”
“Oh . I see, so how old is your husband Sofia?”
Bloody hell. “He’s 80 John.” ” 80 Sofia?” ” yes John”
” so where is he tonight ?” Oh god he’s going to ask to speak to him
“Um, he’s at his mothers John ”
” his mothers?”
Is there a bloody echo in here . “Yes John his mothers”
” so how old is his mother then?”
” she’s 102 John” ” 102?” There he goes again.
“Has she had a telegram?” ” telegram John?” God now I’m doing it.
” yes. You know, from the queen?”
“Oh yes John , she keeps it on the mantelpiece , it gives her something to look at. She doesn’t go out much, she’s deaf.” This is starting to get out of hand
“Do you have a good sex life Sofia?”
” oh yes Stanley takes lots of viagra”
“Good lord, should he be doing that at his age?”
” well no, when I say viagra , I mean he has a pump ”
“A pump? How does that work” God now what do I say, I have a mental picture of a little old man sitting on the edge of the bed with a bicycle pump stuffed down his Johnson pumping merrily away while his young voloptuous wife lies on the bed with her legs in the air waiting patiently.
“Erm it’s like a bicycle pump John , he pushes it down his cock and blows it up”
” bloody hell, well I seem to have lost my erection Sofia, I’ll have to call you back ”
Click. Hmm, I think I could have handled that a little better, teething troubles that’s all, I think it’s going quite well .