The first thing I needed to do was find myself an alter ego . I settled on Sofia. as I had always admired Sophia Lorens amazing beauty and perfect body. Oh, I’m going to love this, I can be everything I’m not , I can have my own little fantasy . There was very little training and I was more or less thrown in at the deep end
Ready as I’ll ever be, I necked almost a full bottle of White Zinfandel and waited for my first caller, I was so terrified my teeth were chattering , but bring it on, after all, do I have a choice.
Ring Ring ” hello, who am I speaking to?”
” Hello this is Henry” fuck me, my first caller and I get a Henry
” hello Henry, I’m Sofia , what can I do for you?” My god where did that sexy voice come from!
” Well Sofia, I’m into watersports”
” that’s nice Henry, I’m not a great swimmer but I have done a bit of jet skiing , Henry, hello, are you still there Henry?” What did I say.
Undeterred I had another go
” hello who am I speaking to?”
” it’s Tom, do you like shilk shtocking? ”
” sorry Tom, what did you say?”
” shtoskings shilk , you know,” couldn’t cope with that , fist in my mouth I put the phone down, bloody wine, no, this is not for me, I guess it’s down to tescos tomorrow , it’s got to be easier.